A message from your bridesmaids: quit feigning nonchalance and voice your needs. Please.
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Say
you're a bridesmaid. You're slammed with work, but spending your Sunday
afternoon accompanying the bride to multiple wedding dress
appointments, diligently taking iPhone shots to promptly e-mail to seven
other women and her mother. It's probably raining outside. Also, most
bridal showrooms host two groups of women at once, often resulting in a
passive-aggressive bid for the mirror, like a pastel Hunger Games.
If you're particularly unlucky, the other group of women is from
District Loud and The Worst. In a scenario like this, it would take the
actual patron saint of bridesmaids to not be irritated when the bride
seizes this moment to declare, "I don't even really care about this
wedding." Like...come on.
"As an unmarried woman, I know it's sticky territory to judge brides."
Being a
bridesmaid is a commitment. There's the constant Gchatting of dress
options, the insistence on joining her wedding Pinterest board so you
can weigh in, and the silent acceptance that, at least for the time
being, the bride's life simply deserves more discussion than your own.
Often, the saving grace is the bride's unabashed enthusiasm for the
proceedings. She knows what she wants, and she gets it. As an unmarried
woman, I know it's sticky territory to judge brides. But in fact, that's
the opposite of what I'm trying to say. Terrified of being perceived as
a "Bridezilla," these brides are actually judging themselves. And to
overcompensate, they bend the opposite way, which is actually lamer to
me than an eight-month raw diet or a bridesmaid-wide ban on dyeing hair.Frankly, it's hard to blame them, considering sexist tropes of crazy brides, like sexist tropes of any sort of woman, have gone a long way in institutionalizing unfairly gendered judgments. "I wonder how much Bridezillas exist outside of Internet outrage pieces, TLC, and urban legend?" says Laura, 28, engaged to be married in May. She continues, "There's a sort of weird competitiveness, in online wedding forums and in real life, to be the person who spent the least on their wedding. There isn't really a place to be like, 'I spent $100K on my wedding and I fucking loved it!' Those women kind of have to live in the shadows, because everyone else loves to be like 'I spent $5 and it was the most homespun wedding and I loved every second.'"
"The 'Cool Bride' problem has nothing to do with money or personal taste."
Ultimately, however, the "Cool Bride" problem has
nothing to do with money or personal taste—by no means do all women want
a big fancy wedding, and if a bride really does want a low-budget,
low-key ceremony, it'll be just as awesome as any bougie affair. It's
the same principal as Gillian Flynn's oft-discussed "Cool Girl."
Regardless of her observation that some women only pretend to
like the same things guys do in order to appear low maintenance, there
are also some women who like beer, video games, and don't care if the
guy calls her or not. Whether or not they are superior to other women is
a matter of opinion, but for argument's sake, let's just say that by
these parameters, Coors Light-slugging Olivia Wildes are cool girls.
Therefore, the difference between a legitimate cool bride and a "Cool
Bride," much like the difference between a cool girl and a "Cool Girl,"
is artifice, a self-imposed stifling of what you really want.Quite often, it doesn't even seem like the "Cool Bride" wants a low-key wedding, considering that the demands she makes of her bridesmaids are often on par with a Bridezilla's. For instance, "I don't want to have a big bachelorette night out, can we just have a low-key little dinner party?" is often Cool Bride-speak for: "A hedonistic, carefree night out with sexy Instagrams sounds fun for everybody, but I don't want to seem like a generic bride. So do you mind cooking a four-course meal and buying enough mid-priced champagne for 17 women you don't know? Of course you don't."
This is significantly more demanding of a maid of honor than a raucous night out would be. But, hoping her words speak louder than her actions, this is another way for the bride to caveat that she's totally above traditional wedding stuff. The killing blow: After you've spent all that time and money on the Veuve Clicquot and Whole 30 and Paleo diet accommodations, the "Cool Bride" is likely to casually mention that she doesn't even believe in marriage.
Carlye, 27, is getting married in three weeks and voices the fear that drives much of this pervasive attitude: "Having grown up in a post-My Super Sweet Sixteen world, I do feel like it's in poor taste to complain about having a party. No one wants to hear you complain about it. At the end of the day, you fell in love, you're getting presents and someone's doing your hair for you, what's to bitch and moan about?"
Carlye suspects that much of the "Cool Bride" attitude comes from a good place: The genuine worry that being too over-the-top will make her bridesmaids hate her: "Everything with bridesmaids has stressed me out more than any aspect of the wedding. The pressure to make sure they actually feel appreciated and have a good time—and that I'm not the friend they roll their eyes about when they're back home discussing bad bridesmaid experiences—is on, big time."
This is sweet, but ironic, because the only thing that's more fun at a wedding ceremony than getting drunk and dancing to "Apache (Jump On It)," is knowing that your friend is truly having the kind of wedding she wants. And when brides feign nonchalance rather than voice their needs, it actually makes bridesmaids' jobs more complicated, like when folks on TV had to figure out what Lassie was trying to tell them.
"I think I want [brides] to be honest," says Julia, 27, a single friend who's twice been a bridesmaid and is fully aware of the "Cool Bride." "As a bridesmaid, I want certain demands to be made of me so I don't accidentally disappoint. Even if it 'doesn't matter' what color dress we all wear, what if I wear the wrong one?" Counterintuitively, it's less effort and anxiety, she says, to be the "put-upon bridesmaid." So, go ahead, brides, make your demands. You know what's cooler than being cool? Ice cold.
