Perhaps amiable roommates is the most realistic version of happily ever after
Susanna Reid is still living with her ex partner Photo: BBC
By
Olivia Goldhill;12:47PM GMT 24 Nov 2014
You don’t need to be married to know that our ideal of lifelong monogamy is
falling apart. After a generation of tumultuous divorces – which is dragging
out as couples
in their sixties decide they can’t stick it for another
decade – fewer
people are opting to take the leap into marriage. For those who say
‘I do’, marrying
the wrong person is one of the most common regrets, while
scientists have discovered that infidelity is in
our genes.
No wonder twentysomethings
look on marriage like a social experiment gone horribly wrong.
Ball-and-chain stereotypes have worn down Disney clichés so that the phrase
“husband and wife” now sounds more resigned than joyous. In the midst of
these bickering couples, television partner Susanna
Reid has revealed that she’s living “happily” with her ex-partner.
The ITV Good Morning Britain presenter has split from her boyfriend of 16
years, but says the two still enjoy a takeaway and live harmoniously
together with heir children.
It all sounds rather refreshing and sensible. Whether or not couples formally
split but live together, à la Reid, or simply abandon heady romance and
descend into a more practical relationship, perhaps contented roommates is
the most realistic fairy tale ending for marriage.
Marital therapist and author Andrew
G Marshall agrees that it’s important to reconsider our
notion of a loving relationship.
“We need to challenge some of the myths about love that we’re fed in romantic
comedies. The idea of soul mates is the source of all human misery when it
comes to love – we’re told that you’ll click and will be deeply in love
forever more no matter what,” he says. “But you need skill to keep a
relationship alive. If you don’t have the skills then love alone will not
come to your rescue.”
But Marshall argues that, instead of Reid’s roommate situation representing a
contented version of marriage, it provides a strong basis to re-connect and
become a couple again. The marital therapist says that he’s helped thousands
of couples to fall back in love, and the notion that people can’t change is
nothing more than a strange fallacy.
“Living together is a great foundation for figuring out the problems in your
relationship to get it back on track,” he says. “If they’ve got that much of
a connection and a commitment to each other, I’d rather they see somebody
like myself to sort out the issues so that they can have a full relationship
rather than a half relationship.”
Marshall says that communicating and making time for each other are the major
ways of repairing a marriage and he suggests that couples reinforce their
bond by putting a lock on their bedroom door, to allow for private time away
from their children.
But thankfully, Marshall says there’s one more myth that distorts our view of
marriage: the idea that it’s a long and miserable decline. In fact, most
couples follow a U-shaped trajectory and, after the 25-year mark, marriages
tend to dramatically improve.
“The bit in the middle is really hard,” he says. “Older couples are often the
most romantic, because they mean everything to each other. My parents are so
deeply entwined, it would make honeymoon couples look like they barely see
each other.”
There’s certainly a lot of griping about marriage – but it tends to come from
stressed-out professionals with young children and no personal time. For
couples who survive, perhaps the roommate phase isn’t a pragmatic
interpretation of happily ever after, but simply a step along the way.
Marital therapist Andrew G Marshall offers private counselling and has
writen several international best-sellers. His latest book is 'What
is Love?: 50 Questions About How to Find, Keep, and Rediscover it'
