New research has shown that most men pay for sex in their 20s and 30s - going against the image of the 'typical' client. Former dominatrix, Nichi Hodgson isn't in the least bit surprised - and explains why young men need to buy sex more than ever before
A scene from the Fifty Shades of Grey film
According to academics, the
most popular age for men to pay for sex is in their twenties and early
thirties.
Cue surprise.
The standard line is that men buy sex because they have the privilege, the
power and the means to do so. The researchers, from University
College London, suggest that convenience now plays a large role too
- especially for young professionals who work long hours at home, or who
find themselves in sex tourist hotspots abroad.
But, for me – as someone who has sold sexual services to young men – this just
doesn’t ring entirely true. ‘Convenience’ doesn’t cover it. At least not in
the ‘I can’t be bothered to cook, let’s order a pizza’ way.
Instead, in my experience, young men pay for sex because it stops them from
having to confront their deeper desires - the things that don’t fit in with
society’s construct of masculine sexuality and the things they worry their
partners may reject them for.
I’m aware that my experiences as a professional dominatrix weren’t typical of
many sex workers (I didn't offer penetration). But they were certainly
sexual. In many ways, ‘kink escorting’ would probably better describe what I
got up to.
Everything I did was about unleashing hitherto thwarted desire.
Part therapist, part perverse puppeteer - I never underestimated the capacity
I had to help these men accept their sexuality. If I ridiculed them? They’d
have carried shame and guilt with them, forever.
Paying for sexual services help young men fulfil their desires. Photo: Alamy
The younger they were, the more responsible I felt.
Take the student who came to see me after hockey practice one Saturday
morning.
I thought it was odd that someone so young wanted to be dominated (it
generally takes people a few years of sexual activity to figure out their
less-vanilla interests).
He explained that he wanted to know how to give a woman an orgasm through oral
sex. So I duly set to training him. It was only as he was leaving and said
‘I will never forget that’ that the penny dropped. I had given an unsure and
inexperienced man a valuable education – one that he could take forward into
mutually fulfilling experiences with women closer to his own age.
I’m not sure why we should be surprised that young men visit sex workers.
After all, for centuries, it’s been something of a rite of passage – an
experience arranged by older men, for their wards upon coming of age.
In some cultures, it still operates. But in most, it has been replaced by
internet pornography. And – despite being an advocate of porn – I’m aware
that it can leave a generation with gross performance anxiety and confusion
about what is ‘normal’.
If young women are paying the price for that - and experiencing less than
pleasurable encounters, with unrealistic expectations - sex workers are
benefiting, as young men attempt to replicate what they see on screen, with
someone who won’t dismiss them out of hand, or call them perverted.
I have no doubt that some of my clients, of all ages, visited me because they
fancied getting their hands on some fresh flesh. But, I would hazard a
guess, that at least eight times of out 10, it was because they couldn’t
confess their desires to anyone else.
A scene from the forthcoming Fifty Shades of Grey film
For some, that was because their own shame was so entrenched that they dare
not ask. While others could barely admit to themselves what turned them on.
Often, their female partners were not open to suggestion.
Take a handsome, fit 30-something favourite of mine. Just 18 months into his
marriage, he’d realised he enjoyed taking a submissive role. His wife did
not - and was not game to try.
But while some clients were into extreme play. But more often than not their
desires were surprisingly tame. One regular came each month for nipple play.
He’d been teased by friends about their erectness and had for some reason
developed a complex about it. Why on earth, you may ask, would you be
embarrassed about that? But that’s the thing about sexual shame. It cuts
deep and can stay buried for a lifetime if not released.
Far from being flush with disposable income, many of the young men who came to
see me often saved up for weeks, or months, to make our appointment. One or
two even asked if I did a student rate.
As many pointed out to me, paying for the exact sex acts they wanted was far
more cost-effective than wining, dining, and dating a woman they feared may
laugh at their foot fetish when they got into bed.
That’s not to blame women in any way. But it highlights that, for men, there
can be greater fears of rejection (if sometimes misplaced) and a need for
confidence –building at play.
I wasn’t just their naughty treat – I was helping them get to a place where
they could be comfortable with their own sexuality and desires.
